Get off my lawn.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Wisdom from Starbucks

This is what I discovered upon removing the "heat sleeve" from my Starbucks cup this afternoon after eating a nice lunch of spicy chicken with my buddy Cooper at Popeye's. Here's what it says:

Imagine we were all the same.
Imagine we agree about politics,
religion and morality. Imagine we
like the same types of music, art, food,
and coffee. Imagine we all look alike.
Sound boring? Differences need not divide us.
Embrace diversity. Dignity is everyone's human right.

I feel a bit queasy after that, so I think I'll translate it to
plain English to settle my stomach. This is what the text
on the cup means:

Imagine we were all clones. We would all like
the same bands and
coffee, which
would be Starbucks.

I bet you think it would be boring.
Good thing it's not true, huh?
It's okay for us to be different, as long
as you
don't disagree with what gay people do.
They're fundamentally insecure, and
get pretty upset when you look at them weird.
And don't smoke.

If you're wondering where I got the thing about gay people, the answer is easy: Whenever you hear someone talking about "diversity", "tolerance", and "dignity" these days, that's what they're referring to. The meaning of these words is being changed so that they mean the following:

  • Diversity: Gay people are around you. Get used to it.
  • Tolerance: Put up with it, and don't complain.
  • Dignity: Really sensitive people require validation from you. If you don't provide it, they feel bad about themselves, and when they do, it's your fault.
Over on Cooper's site, there's a debate raging about the relative merits of Starbucks coffee vs. cheaper brands. One side says that Starbucks is genuinely better coffee, and its higher price is justified. The other side asserts that it's all the same, and that coffee that comes in a yellow "always save" can is just as good (trust me, it's NOT). In any event, I know that the "yellow can" stuff doesn't go the extra mile and include inspirational sayings about "diversity" on the can. So there you go. The extra coin you pay for Starbucks at least buys you some instructions about how to act around gay people.


  • At 10:51 PM , Blogger Dale Cooper said...

    Man, isn't starbutts great! That spicy chicken feast sure was good. Then, to top it off with a hot cup of joe. Can't get much better than that Gordon. We must return soon. I've got my cards, they are still loaded with cash, and I'm ready to burn. Speaking of gay sayings... reminds me of a South Park episode called "The Death Camp of Tolerance" where "tolerance" is taken over the top. It's a good one...

  • At 11:26 PM , Blogger Kelly said...

    Darn right, that was good. Good chicken, good talkin, good coffee. I can't get over how tasty that latte was. I like it because it's high-octane stuff too.

  • At 10:25 PM , Blogger Dale Cooper said...

    Well... lets get something on our calendars soon. I need more Popeye's and Starbucks.

    I wonder why Popeye's doesn't have a chicken card that you can load with cash?


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