Get off my lawn.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Worst movie ever: Mr. and Mrs. Smith

I watched this movie last night. It is the stupidest movie I've seen in recent memory. The plot (such as it is) is as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. Smith are married. Both are assassins. Mr. works for something like the CIA, and has a woodshed full of hardware for killing people. Mrs. works for some all-girl cult, apparently, and has a kitchen stove with a hidden compartment in it full of hardware for killing people. Apparently, neither of these handsome but completely stupid predators knows what the other one does for a living. One day, after a particularly trying day of trying to kill people with exotic weapons, they have dinner at home. Somehow, they both figure out what the other does at the same time. The obvious thing happens immediately afterward: They try to kill each other. They both survive, and continue to try to kill each other for several days. Then they go out on a date and blow something up. Then they go home and shoot at each other for a couple of hours. Then they have sex. Then they eat out of buckets on the bathroom floor and talk about their jobs together. Then someone throws a grenade through the window. Blah blah blah, blah blah. I'll just cut this short and ruin it for you: The ending sucks, just like every other second of this movie. Whatever high school kid wrote it needs to be flunked from study hall.

The true purpose of this movie is to show Angelina and Brad in various settings, so you can admire them. Angelina looks good, very good. So great, in fact, that it almost, but not quite, compensates for her pathetic acting skills. The movie cuts from scene to scene: Angelina in a slut suit, beating a guy with a whip. Angelina at home, in the kitchen. Angelina in the desert in boots and a t-shirt. Angelina at the girl-power cult working on a computer. Angelina in a Mercedes station wagon. In every scene, she looks good, and has the same smouldering expression on her face. It's as if, for her, joy, ecstacy, and anger all require a look that says "Look at me dahling, I'm hot as fire." It's the full gamut of emotions from "A" to... "a". The one exception: sadness. In the still shot where she's sad, Angelina sports the same "Look at me, I'm hot as fire" look, but with a tear. She doesn't exactly look sad, just hot, with a tear. The tear might even be plastic, or sprayed on.

Something else about movies like this that gets on my nerves: Any time someone in this movie uses a computer, the UI is very elaborate, and probably a usability nightmare. For example, when Mr. Smith goes to his "office" to "work", 3 LCD monitors pop up out of the desk. The middle one has a circle on it, containing a glowing object that looks like a floating fishnet. It blinks and changes color, while a female voice tells him things. So, what OS is this, exactly? Or do assasins get their own custom-built OS? Is this a desktop manager I can put on my linux machine? Stupid stupid stupid.

This movie is inappropriate for children. Children should not be allowed to watch something like this and get the idea that something so stupid is ever allowed to be written to playable media and sold or rented.


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  • At 5:38 PM , Blogger Dale Cooper said...

    Yup, it was pretty bad. Far fetched as all get out. I can't believe I wasted my time watching this doke-fest. I agree with your observation about computers in movies. I hate the bogality that is depicted with the elaborate or misrepresented UI's, commands, and screen output. Angelina did look good though.

    Heavy-D will rip this one for sure.


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