Get off my lawn.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Alias: Good riddance

Normally, I try to maintain a positive, constructive tone here in the halls of Fognl, but today I want to mention something that sucks. I'm going to get all Dorazilian on the TV show called "Alias". What a stupid show! Here's a sample plotline from a typical episode:

  • A criminal from a mysterious underground organization, smartly dressed, sneaks into a server room/missle complex/nuclear facility/etc.
  • Criminal sneaks up behind innocent workers in said facility, and kills them in a cruel, humiliating way.
  • Sydney, the star of the show, steps off a plane somewhere in eastern Europe, and gets a call from her boss on a Motorola RAZR phone. She jumps into a Ford Focus, and chases down a guy in a German-made van.
  • Gunshots! Sparks! Techno spy music!
  • Sidney attends a meeting at HQ. They talk about a guy named "Sark", who is apparently the source of all evil in the universe.
  • Her former boss at SD-6, who was killed earlier, but turned out not to be dead, and is now her current boss, tells her he wants her to infiltrate the secret underground organization.
  • A horribly mutilated body is found in a car.
  • Heavy metal music starts to play, and Sidney appears in prostitute clothes.
  • Sidney wiggles and walks down a hall.
  • Sidney finds a guy in a bar with a Russian accent, speaks to him in perfect Russian, and flaunts herself at him.
  • The guy smiles like someone who is being handed free money.
  • Sidney kicks him in the face, swipes his iPod, and uses it to sneak into a brightly-lit hi-tech facility of some kind. Somehow.
  • She gets caught. Doh!
  • She gets tortured by the guy that caught her. She either gets injected with poison, a garden hose is stuffed down her throat and turned on, she gets shocked, or her teeth get pulled. She's in real trouble!
  • Back at HQ, the nerdy guy with the Elvis haircut is typing at 250 words per minute, writing a program in C to hack into the enemy database over some kind of TCP/IP connection. At some point, he runs "make" on a laptop running Linux.
  • The same nerdy guy uses an electron microscope to examine something totally unrelated to computers, and offers his boss an extremely detailed explanation of what it is, why it's here, who would benefit from it, and how much it cost to make, giggling like an idiot all the while. Apparently, this guy is perfect at everything, except carrying on a conversation.
  • At some point, a person who was killed in an earlier episode appears, and is now a bad guy.
  • A progress bar on a computer screen somewhere reaches "100%".
  • Sydney's dad (also a multi-talented special agent) confronts one of her captors' friends, and says something clever. Then he either cuts the guy's ear off, pokes his eye out, or just kills him.
  • Sydney is saved. Yay!
  • A slow, melodic alternative rock song is played. Sidney cuddles with her boyfriend.
  • The end.

Here's a picture of the star of the show. As mentioned before, be very careful when she wears a low-cut top. She's got things partially exposed here, which means she's probably 2 seconds away from kicking you in the groin.


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